Setting Your New Year’s Resolutions? Beware of This Trap

Friday, January 13, 2023

January is the time for New Year’s resolutions. People create lists of what they want to achieve a week, a month, or a year from now. Everyone wants to be or go somewhere — and it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Humans have always been goal-seeking creatures. We are always on the lookout for new heights. We want to have a better job, look stunning, have more money, and so on. Life is an endless trail of completing one goal after another. And perhaps that’s why we are drawn to topics about self-improvement. These articles, podcasts, and videos, while simultaneously affirming an age-old instinct, are also handing us actionable solutions to get to where we want to be.

Seeking betterment for ourselves is a good thing. Indeed, it’s something each of us should aspire to do often. With the advent of the internet, it’s never been easier to find the help we need to improve a skill, increase one’s stream of income, or look one way or another. But one thing we didn’t anticipate is the side effect of our collective desire to be better.

In order for a goal to be appealing, it should have all the shiny qualities that our preset self lacks. Writers and content creators in the self-help industry know this and they awaken our instincts to seek either by a) stirring up our current insecurities and/or b) giving us a vision of how desirable the imagined future can be.

Tony Robbins put it best when he said: “You can help get a person to where he wants to be either by stirring up his (current) pain or by helping him imagine the pleasures of his new destination.”

We call this the self-improvement trap. Constantly finger-pointing at the parts of ourselves that fall short can quickly turn into a subliminal self-narrative that says we are not good enough. It requires looking at our present self as flawed and in need of fixing. Unfortunately, perspective is everything. There’s a world of difference between thinking that “I can improve” and “I am lacking”.

The noble quest for self-betterment, however, doesn’t need to destroy our self-worth in the process.

Don’t fall into the trap

The main sales pitch of a toxic self-improvement agenda is that your true self can only be achieved after a certain condition is met. This sends us feeling uncomfortable and insecure in our own skin. But nothing can be further from the truth. True growth requires an understanding of ourselves now — flaws and all, like completing a level in a video game — before we can ascend to the next level. It means taking action anyway, despite the limitations of the current self.

The way a certain message is packaged distinguishes hollow self-help advice from actually helpful guidance. Below are popular messages to watch out for that can lead you into a self-improvement trap.

Be confident. Confidence is often sold as a prerequisite for doing something bold. One needs the confidence to talk to one’s manager about a raise, to speak in front of a panel of people, or to initiate a conversation with someone we’re romantically interested in. But we need confidence, not so much as we need courage. Even when we are nervous to talk to our manager or to someone we like, it’s courage that we need to still knock on their door or approach them in the first place. The first time might be a messy affair and we may stumble upon our words, but we need permission to do things badly or we won’t do anything at all. Courage lets us do frightening things anyway, even when we’re hesitant or scared of rejection. Only after we’ve tested the waters can we act better the next time we’re put in the same situation. That’s how we build confidence. Confidence is a result, not a requirement.
Believe in yourself. If only a switch can be flipped on just like that so we can instantly “believe in” ourselves the moment we need to do something big. Believing in oneself sounds good but there’s a reason it sounds and feels pointless. No one who sets out to do something important fully feels certain of success. Otherwise, it won’t be important at all. If we fail, we risk blaming our “lack of self-belief” as the architect of our failure. But having a certain degree of worry or doubt is not unhealthy at all. In fact, it’s perfectly normal. Everybody feels giddy at the edge of the unknown. The practical thing to do is to find that belief somewhere else — from a supportive colleague, an accepting parent, or a loving spouse. Outsourcing part of that positivity is the “hack” you need to do better. Also called the Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect, this phenomenon happens when high expectations help you to perform well.

Look to the present

"The future grows out of the present, so it’s to the present that we need to look first." - Andy Puddicombe

The founder of Headspace, Andy Puddicombe, believes that in order to achieve the future we want, we must first cultivate our present selves. Looking inwards, however, is easier said than done. Understanding who we are at the moment asks us to look at ourselves objectively. For most, this can be a painful and overwhelming process. But forcing actions rarely leads to a long-term change in behavior. That is why many people fail at building new habits. It’s so easy to fall back into who we are.

Doing a self-audit of our current patterns, habits, and behaviors helps us realize that while some parts of ourselves need work, there are also parts of us worth celebrating. By looking at ourselves as something that continually evolves rather than something that’s imperfect, we can view self-development as a journey rather than a race for a trophy.

As you set new goals this year, remember to treat yourself with a little more kindness. Bettering ourselves is a noble way to live, but the future does not have to cost us our present.

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Setting Your New Year’s Resolutions? Beware of This Trap

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